The Book Faery Reviews Discovering paths to new dimensions through books…

Your Family Constitution, Scott Gale: Author Interview 8.20.09

Today Scott Gale, author of Your Family Constitution: A Modern Approach to Family Values and Household Structures is being interviewed at The Book Faery Reviews. You can also see his guest post at Wife and Mom of 3 where he talks about how you can tell if your family is out of control and what you can do to fix it.

Thanks Scott for taking the time out to talk with our readers. Now on to the interview..................................

It seems like, from looking at your Web site, that your book focuses on some big-picture values for families. Do you think it's easy for parents/families to fall into familiar habits and to lose sight of the big-picture values they want to stand for?

The book focuses on how parents can identify their own big picture values and then translate those values into effective boundaries and structure. Parents and families are so busy, and our culture moves so fast, that often they don’t take the time to step back and truly understand themselves and create a vision for their family.

If they are getting by without significant problems, then they apply the “if it’s not broke, don’t fix it” strategy. The fallacy of this strategy (or lack thereof) is that taking the time to focus on what is truly important saves time, reduces frustration and creates a proactive approach to your child’s development. We all have an idea of what kind of adults we’d like our kids to become...they key is tapping that information and using it shape their development.

What is the most common pitfall you see that leads to problems in families?

The most common pitfall that leads to problems in families is the tendency to focus on the “irritants” rather than the underlying problems. For instance, I argued incessantly with my oldest son about getting to bed, getting outside instead of playing video games, and taking responsibility to do chores. I grew increasingly frustrated as I tried different approaches to fix these problems. What I ultimately realized that these issues were symptoms of greater problems, lack of clarity and consistency. Once I figured that out and created our Family Constitution to help clarify expectations, boundaries, rewards and consequences, the bickering over the irritants faded because everyone in my family knew the consequences of their actions, good or bad. As the arguments disappeared, emotional boundaries came down and we were finally able to spiral in the right direction.

How did your own family's experiences lead you to writing this book?

My family’s experiences inspired me to create our Family Constitution out of sheer necessity. My wife and I had no clear vision and we struggled to stay on top of things. My kids were frustrated and confused because our rules were reactive and subject to change based on circumstance. We needed clarity and consistency in our lives, but I never knew how to achieve that.

Then one day I took the Constitution template from my fantasy football league and modified it to create clear structure in our everyday lives and family interactions. It worked well and many of my friends commented on how much they liked the concept, so I decided to share it through this book.

You mention overlooked signs that your family is going out of control — what are those, and is it difficult to judge? A lot of people feel, at any given moment, things might be a little out of control, I suppose.

Every family is going to fit the description of “out of control” at certain moments, but there are definite signs of more chronic challenges with control. The first is that there is no identified plan or vision. Once parents hit the point where they are simply reacting and trying to keep up without clear direction, it is very difficult to regain control without focused effort. The reason is that life inevitably speeds up, instead of slows down like we all think will happen. If we don’t take the time to think through our approach, the tendency to simply react to external forces takes over.

The second sign is that negative emotion begins to interfere with everyday interactions. If people continually argue, they fall into a defensive stance, paving the way for further argument. My son and I argued all the time because I was frustrated that he wouldn’t take responsibility, while he was frustrated because he felt like I was picking on him. The wild card was that I had never communicated my expectations clearly, so we went round and round in circles until our mutual desire to have a good relationship became hidden behind emotional barriers.

The third sign is that a family repeatedly has communication failures. Once again, all families will have some communication challenges, but it is a continual pattern that is most concerning. When people struggle to communicate, the natural reaction is to stop sharing feelings and ideas. This leads to poor coordination and lack of expectations. Perhaps the single most important change we made was incorporating a regular family meeting into our lives. This gives us a forum to talk about issues, coordinate our efforts, lay down expectations and monitor our success.

The final sign is a little bit more difficult to judge, as it requires true introspection. This sign is a significant gap between our actions and our priorities. I worked very long hours to try to provide for my family, but my emotional availability to my family was suffering. Until I spent the time to examine myself, I never realized there was such contradiction. Introspection is hard, but if a parent follows the path that I lay out in my book, they should be able to assess how well-aligned they are with their priorities.

The idea of "Your Family Constitution" seems to imply having rules ahead of incidents, as opposed to figuring out what to do afterward. Is that accurate? And how much is that a family-by-family basis, as far as what should be included?

Yes, anticipating issues and resolving them with structure before they become problems is the essence of Your Family Constitution. We make better decisions when the emotion of a crisis is absent. Looking forward allows a family to openly and honestly discuss concerns and objectives. Parents and kids can work together to use that information to guide behaviour and choices through clear boundaries, rewards and consequences.

The specific issues and resolutions are definitely going to vary from family-to-family, but the process will be very much the same. If a family has a regular forum to discuss issues and ideas, they can use those meetings to sort out most problems. Larger issues, often associated with teens, such as driving, dating, and paying for college, require more thought and discussion. Fortunately, we most often know when these issues are approaching and can focus on them early. I suggest pulling out the calendar with the family at least once a year to identify the big issues on the horizon. Once the issues are identified, schedule some time to talk when you won’t be interrupted. With proper discussion, resolution to any problem is possible.

Do you think the role of the father is changing over time? If so, how?

The role of the father is definitely changing. In the past, our role was “bread winner” and disciplinarian. Now, fathers play a much more prominent role in day-to-day activities at home (if we allow ourselves to). This boosts our job as role model and gives us more opportunity to interact and make a pronounced impact on how our kids develop.

How important is it for parents to find a balance between their own personal needs and wants and that of their children? How does someone even go about that?

This is the million-dollar question. Don’t forget to throw in career needs into that mix of competing influences. For years I fell into the trap that so many parents do, distributing attention according to which fire is hottest. The problem is that career needs were always most urgent, followed by family, then by personal. This left me as a very busy worker who rarely found personal time to re-charge. This charge to urgency reduced my effectiveness in all of my roles.

Parents need to step back and take time to prioritize, coordinate efforts, and communicate. When these three elements come together, parents can spend their time in accordance with importance rather than urgency. Parents who are organized, knowledgeable of and aligned with their priorities, and revitalized by pursuit of some personal interest will be much more balanced and prepared to deal with the many challenges of parenthood.

How much do you think "family life" changes depending on geography of the U.S.? Do you think expectations/norms are different in California than they would be in the Midwest?

Geography plays a huge role in our development, but not in our effectiveness as parents and families. California has a different culture then the Midwest. Our interests, pace-of–life and even the approach to relationships is different. However, the one thing that is universal is that we are all guided by the human spirit and all want to raise great kids to carry the torch through the next generation. The exercises of understanding ourselves, communicating effectively with our family members, and planning for the future translate into improved family relationships and better quality of life, regardless of what region that life takes place in.

What do you think is the biggest danger or challenge for families today? Do you see that changing in the next few decades?

The biggest danger I see is the pace of “progress.” I have seen the generation gap grow the technological advances during the 20-30 years between generations has grown exponentially. As a parent, there are too many things in cyber space to worry about, so I have to try and instil the fundamental values early on and hope that my kids carry them through. I simply can’t police everything they do...and don’t want to.

During the coming decades, I see the pace continuing to ramp up. The transfer of value sets and good sense from mom and dad to their kids will become even more important. As a society, we can’t afford to let kids exist in an isolated bubble playing video games and watching YouTube. My kids will have to actively seek to engage with my grandkids and introduce them to active pastimes. They’ll have to fend off evermore seductive video games and passive uses of time.

How consistent are you in following your own advice? Do you catch your author side sometimes at odds with your practical fatherly side?

I will be the first to tell you my family is far from perfect. We have made tremendous progress, but still have a long way to go (and always will). I’ve come to the realization that satisfaction as a parent and a person is about improvement, not perfection. If my family is getting better, I am happy.

I definitely sometimes have trouble following my own advice. But, I always do follow a couple of important pieces that I discuss in the last chapter... “Make the effort” and “Have realistic expectations.” If I find myself or my family straying from our rules, I accept it and then try to fix it, rather than deem it a failed experiment and give up. Again, we are not pursuing perfection; we are just trying to steadily improve.

Is there anything else you want to add that I didn't ask about?

The only other thing that I would add is that the process of building structure around your values takes time and effort. If anyone is looking for a “quick fix,” I’ll save them the effort and let them know that there are no sustainable “quick fixes” when it come s to family. Family is such a blessing, it is worth the effort to do it right.

Also, if any of your readers would like to create their own Family Constitutions, I have an online template and coaching services to help them achieve their goals. They can visit www.yourfamilyconstitution.com for details.

THE BOOK FAERY REVIEWS...Thanks again Scott for taking the time out to share with us. I personally am going to change my approach when it comes to the kids. The book was an eye opener for me and it was so easy and quick to read. Be sure to stop at his site because it has a lot of good information!

READERS...Scott Gale is letting me give away a copy of his book Your Family Constitution. Leave a comment telling me that you want to reconnect with your kids and/or how important family is to you with your e-mail address for 1 entry in. The giveaway ends 11:59pm Sunday, August 23rd.

To get additional entries, do the following and get 1 more entry for each:

1) Blog Giveaway or Post on Facebook

2) Tweet about it making sure you add @farrah1230

3) Become an e-mail and/or RSS subscriber