The Truth About Girls, Dr. Barbara Holstein – Author Guest Post
THE TRUTH, (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is a delightful, humorous secret diary, written by a girl who is 10-11 years of age. She is wise and yet so innocent. She makes us laugh and cry and know that we are secretly heroines. This easy read for girls, (the mother’s edition has a different introduction, different questions at the end, and some pages that are slightly more sophisticated) has within it a psychological message for girls, that they can and must hold on to the best of themselves as they grow up. Girls love the book and so do their mothers. Girls recognize themselves and finally feel totally understood while their moms remember themselves, feel closer to their daughters and everyone has lots to talk about.
AUTHOR GUEST POST...Writing for Psychology, Case Book, Now Fiction for Girls, Women, What's Next?
The famous novelist, Proust stated, “The real voyage for discovery is not in seeking new landscapes, but having new eyes.” In the 1990’s as a psychologist, I sought new landscapes, and was blessed instead with new eyes to see past the disease model, to the world of human potential that was right in front of me all the time. I had been researching, via case study methods, women outside of my practice to see how women handle childhood messages carried inside ourselves, such as, “You’re dumb but beautiful” or “Make sure you get married before your beauty fades.” These are discouraging, judgmental messages, if they are not spoken, still ‘heard’ clear as a bell. All the women I interviewed concurred with the above premise, giving me many personal examples. However, they had more to teach me. They showed me their strengths, capacities to grow and change, and what most amazed me, their capacities for happiness. These capacities were far beyond what the media would lead us to believe, and also far beyond what the clinician usually discovers when she is looking through a lens that is primarily sensitive to pathology
With my new ‘eyes’ I became certain that women, and I am sure most men, have greater capacities to restore themselves and enjoy themselves, that previously documented. I also realized we are not given enough signals in our society to help us feel positive about ourselves, or to recognize what makes us happy. We are not taught how to hold on to positive feelings, or how to bring them back again and again
My work appeared to be cut out for me. With my new awareness of what was right about my clients, rather than what was wrong, I was excitedly looking anew at the treatment room. I began to examine how we interact with our clients, how we set the stage for change, how we interview for information, how we teach our clients to view their past behaviors, how we listen and how we encourage a sense of well-being. I developed techniques for all of the above that could be used as a positive overlay for psychologists, regardless of their formal training and orientation. For example, when interviewing a new client, one can easily build in questions that encourage the client to talk about their earlier talents, strengths, lost potential and resilience. All of these treatment changes in questioning, listening and processing with the client took shape as ‘The Enchanted Self, a Positive Therapy.’
Soon, I realized I had a case book in the making. THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy, was published in 1997. I state in the introduction, “…in all my years as a psychologist, I have come to believe, that most people seeking psychotherapy are unhappy, not only because of earlier hurts and traumas as well as present frustrations and problems; but because they cannot access earlier happier moments often enough resulting in not being able to experience enough positive states of well-being. Much contemporary psychotherapy, no matter how well-intended and how well delivered, often minimizes the accessing of earlier states of well-being and the joys associated with it.”
The book, utilizing case studies, personal insights from my own life, reader exercises, and even poetry, allowed the reader to explore positive aspects of herself. If she is a therapist, she also learns how to make long overdue corrections in the treatment room. Many readers, therapists, and lay people, wrote to me thanking me for the positive paradigm shift I had so clearly outlined in the book. One psychiatrist from Sweden wrote to me that she had waited for years for someone to finally have the courage to make this long overdue correction in therapeutic model. Many ordinary people who had therapy wrote to me, saying that they wished they could have been exposed to the treatment model I wrote about, when they were seeking psychotherapy.
In summary, I had made explicit understanding our past in positive and useful ways, not becoming discouraged by the past and learning how to reinvent ourselves in the present in ways that bring us pleasure, unique to each of us, while attending to our needs, be them personal, educational, or professional.
THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy, flew into a second printing and is considered a pathfinder book in the field of Positive Psychology.
This book came not just from the women I interviewed, nor my clients. It came also from myself. I took the same journey in self-development that I asked of my clients, and the therapists and others for whom I wrote the book. I also retrieved a lost Enchanted Self from deep inside of me.
On page 169, I share my poem with the reader: “Come to me, Innocent that I was, I’ll join you and we’ll melt into a new dawn of me. Come my friend, my nurturer, my shadow-My knowledge of how whole I can be”
And with this poem, which is actually a foreshadowing of the present, let’s move ahead 12 years in terms of publication to THE TRUTH (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything).
How in the world as a psychologist and a writer, did I end up with my 4th book being fiction, designed for girls, tweens, moms and women, and how does it dove-tail with THE ENCHANTED SELF, a Positive Therapy.
Let’s look at the end of the poem from page 169, “Come my friend, my nurturer, my shadow, my knowledge of how whole I can be.” Who is that friend? Who is that nurturer? Who is that shadow? Many years of practicing as a psychologist, have convinced me that, that nurturer, that shadow is our earlier selves. Often it is that self which existed inside ourselves between the ages of 8 and 12. We know that for many girls, 8-12 is a period of soaring, when girls feel competent and so sure of themselves.
If you know girls that age, you know how talented they are. They can and do everything. They also often have special private times, keeping diaries, or sharing intimate thoughts with best girlfriends. However, the teenage years do not always encourage or keep girls thriving emotionally and intellectually. The social and hormonal pressures of growing up block the earlier talents and potential. Adolescent years can be very hard on girls and many a woman finds herself no longer in touch with her earlier talents, strengths, potential or what makes her happy.
I began to realize that my next psychological assignment was to bring the girl inside of ourselves back to life.
I began to develop a companionship with the 10 year old inside myself. I began to realize that as an adult woman that I was disappointing her. I was not as confident or daring as I had promised myself I would be. Some of my poor decisions had restricted and limited the scope of my potential and opportunities. The girl I had been had known that the world could be her oyster. She wasn’t much afraid of anything and also had a lot of inner wisdom. She was resilient and determined. She had faith in me-the adult she would become someday.
Suddenly, getting to know myself as a child again was serious psychological business. It is somewhat painful to realize that one has short changed herself. Yet better to realize it now!
Then I began to think, how could I write a book that will just spark everyone? If you are a woman, it will make you want to dance with yourself and with your inner 10 year old and make her energies a part of yourself again, If you are a mom, you will see your child in a much more profound light. You will want to help her hold on to her wisdom, wit, sense of competency and self-esteem, and realize. If you are a kid or a tween, you will feel understood and connected to this fictional girl. After all, she is like you. She thinks about many of the things you think about and she makes promises about what she will be like when she grows up, just like you do.
So the character came alive. I felt a fictional diary was the way to go. The girl, as many fictional characters do, helped me write the book. She shared her frustrations and her competencies, and she even managed to solve a little around how she could hold on to the best of herself as she grew up. How she solved the mystery is so endearing, but I can’t give it away because I want you to read the book.
She has a crush. Haven’t most of us had crushes? I have clients and women in those in workshops as young as 5 years old, having crushes. And she says, “I am in love…. I thought I would fall in love when I was much older, maybe 15 or 16 and she explains how she felt when Paul walked into the classroom, my heart felt like it turned over in my body, my pulse started to race and I couldn’t concentrate. I felt excited like I had a big secret. Our eyes had locked and by looking at him made me feel all fluttery inside.”
She also has secrets. She wants to know more about growing up. She wants to ask her mother questions like, “When will I need a bra?” but she can’t. “Whenever I try, she always looks away and starts to fidget with her fingers and look away. I never get the answers to my questions. Doesn’t she know how confused I am? How, I am supposed to ready to get older, if she can’t tell her everything she needs to know and she talks about her parents. Angelina is so lucky because she talks to her mother, Mrs. Allen.”
She asks, “Why do grown-ups fight over stupid things? I don’t get it. Before you know it, everyone’s mood is bad and the day is ruined. Like I remember last summer, we never made it to the lake because Daddy kept yelling at Mom about the dent in the car and telling her she was stupid for parking the way she did in front of the drugstore. I even heard him say, ‘Of all the women in the world, I get to marry the most stupid.’ I think Mommy is smart. It made me feel sick in my head to hear Daddy talk like that. Daddy finally rushed out of the house and took the car, and Mommy went into the bedroom. I think she was crying. We kids just sat there all droopy in our bathing suits. I was sweating and cold at the same time. It was awful.”
Yes, the girl sees so much and knows so much. And didn’t we all at 10 or 11? And wouldn’t it be great to hold on to the energy and confidence that can go with that stage of life? So that we all can live lives of integrity where we would keep similar promises to what the girl makes, such as “I’ll travel a lot. I won’t look away when my kids ask my tough questions. I’ll answer truthfully. I won’t swear. I won’t get into silly fights with my husband. I’ll have fun with my kids and laugh a lot. I’ll remember ME! And that’s the truth.”
So you see, I’ve come full circle with both books as a positive psychologist. I’m right back to the essence of the person. It turns out that the book, THE TRUTH (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) is another way of teaching The Enchanted Self. When we come home to the ‘truth’ for ourselves than we are an Enchanted Self. We are happy; we have purpose. Our lives have meaning. We don’t disappoint ourselves. Whether you prefer the casebook or the fictional diary, it doesn’t matter. Just come home to yourself!
Dr. Holstein presented a version of this paper in a lecture at Norwalk Community College in November, 2008, at their annual Writer’s Conference.
Her two books cited in this paper are THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy, and The TRUTH (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything)
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein's websites include www.thetruthforgirls.com, and www.enchantedself.com
ABOUT THE AUTHOR...Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein is the originator of The Enchanted Self(R). She has been a positive psychologist in private practice and licensed in the states of New Jersey and Massachusetts since 1981. She is currently in private practice in Long Branch, New Jersey with her husband, Dr. Russell M. Holstein.
She is the author of The Enchanted Self, A Positive Therapy, Recipes for Enchantment, The Secret Ingredient is YOU! and There Comes A Time In Every Woman's Life for DELIGHT.
Her newest book, The Truth, I'm Ten, I'm Smart and I Know Everything! is another first in positive psychology. Written by a ten year old girl as a diary, Dr. Barbara has been able to embed lots of positive truths that we all need to remember and live by, regardless of our age.
The girl's edition, titled: The Truth, (I'm a girl, I'm smart and I know everything) debuted February 2008 in bookstores nationwide. You can get your copy now at www.enchantedself.com.
This book was provided to me by Pump Up Your Book Promotion during Dr. Holstein's virtual book tour.
A future review will be posted at a later date.
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About The Book Faery
Farrah is from the Raleigh, North Carolina area and married to her high school sweetheart. She's a 30-something mom to 3 crazy yet loveable kids who keep her constantly on her toes. Books can be found in every room in the house and bags as well. Reading is done every moment she gets the chance and a typical afternoon of fun would often find her and the 3 kiddos at a local bookstore or library hunting for the next book. She's currently working towards her goal to one day owning a cafe/bookstore in a historic downtown area where it's all about the reader's experience...community, atmosphere and the love of books.
